I just read Marc's New Years Day post on leadership lessons he learned from his daughter Isabella. It made me smile...partly because I have always believed that you can learn a lot from kids and animals if you just pay attention; and also because it made me think about lessons I've learned over the years working with groups and individuals, who by the way, were once kids themselves.
In thinking about this, I'm trying to draw some parallels to Marc's walk with Isabella.
People like to be in charge of their own destiny. I believe people articulate what they want at times, but mostly when they sense some control over what it is they want, or when there is an environment that makes them believe that they have permission to do so. Isabella could control what she wore. In the grander scheme of the walk, she may not have sensed the ability to control her desired destination and decided to just follow. How often do we go on a walk in the rain with the individuals and groups we work with? And, how often do we realize soon enough that the pace is slowing before checking in or changing direction? I think we let folks "come dressed" the way they want to begin the journey most of the time. We engage them, at least initially, but often fail to pay real attention once the journey begins. I'm thinking the pressure for deadlines and outcomes or our own need for control makes us lose sight of the tears and disengagement.
In thinking about my work, I realize that sometimes others ask us to go on walks and even have a destination in mind. We cheerfully agree and if we're not careful, we end up in a place we shouldn't have gone. We exert lots of energy, navigate the rocks and potholes on the path, and eventually end up at the predetermined destination. The trip may not have even been extremely enjoyable but as long as we reached our destination, we both seem satisfied. So often, we are asked for help and given our need to please, give others exactly what they ask for. This makes me wonder how often we spend energy walking to the wrong places.
Reflecting on work I've been involved in over the past several months with one particular group, I realize even more, the importance of considering the desired destiny of others. Several months ago, I was engaged to facilitate a retreat. The requestor had a clear goal in mind, wanting to begin building a team in her area of responsibility. We had an admirable plan! The retreat went well and the requestor was very happy. The team enjoyed the day and even said so, commenting on what they had learned. We conducted the normal debrief of what worked and what they would have liked more of. But what I realize now is that people "came dressed" with the desire to "go on the walk", but they had their own ideas about where we should go and how we should get there. It is sad that they did not believe they could change the destination. The group was willilng to walk along for a while and they kept the pace throughout. But because of the time it took to build the foundation, they left without a finalized task list, something that was critical to their need for detail and accomplishment. They also left without confronting issues with each other, something that would surface later. Not everyone sees building a foundation for relationships as real work so it was not the group's priority, even though they were willing to do the work. It took the activities of the entire day before they believed they could have changed the destination. Isabella would not have skipped home!
Weeks later, the requestor was still happy and the participants were using what they had learned about each other. Everyone was still anxious to get on with the work and dealing with others. Relationships between two team members failed, and more work began. This new work required going back to the foundations built in the retreat. We were working to deliver some mandated outcomes. This time, the desired outcome was all about the "soft stuff" and building a foundation. Suddenly, the perception and energy level changed. Now, all of the things we were trying to accomplish at the retreat became "important work." It was clear that it had become the destination of choice. The two worked diligently, accomplished the desired outcomes, created a healthy foundation, were determined to share their work with others, understood why the work was successful, and were committed to making it work. They had turned a corner in their relationship. The difference? They really wanted to go th the place I was taking them. They helped choose the path and they were controlling their own destiny. And because of all of the previous work, they now believed that they could.
So Isabella, next time someone asks me to go on a walk, I will still make sure they "choose what they wear", will make sure they believe they can negotiate the destination, and I will stop more often to ask if we're going the right way! I will also do everything in my power to make sure that they "skip all the way home!" Thank you, Isabella for this reminder!
